Preventing Infidelity: Top 6 Tips
-By Dr. Liz Hale
August 21st 2009
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In our infidelity research, attractions are NOT the problem; actions are! While we are living, breathing human beings we will always notice attractive members of the opposite sex. These “attractions” do not mean that something is awry in our marriage, nor does it mean that every feeling should be explored. Feelings have no IQ; they come and go. One key to fidelity is to take the energy of attractive observations BACK to your spouse where it can fuel a deeper, more intimate connection. Infidelity is not intimacy; it is fantasy.
1) Maintain Ongoing Honest Discussions
Commit to having ongoing honest dialogues about fidelity. This means more than “not lying;” it means “not withholding pertinent information.” Secrecy propels us into action that harms. When you commit to responsible honesty, you allow yourself to be known by the other and build a firm foundation for marriage that only trust can build. NOT talking about these scary subjects makes a couple more vulnerable to trouble….and we’re ALL vulnerable!
2) Respect Work Danger Zones
A colleague of mine wants to post in every office in America a sign that reads: “DANGER: MEN & WOMEN WORKING TOEGETHER!” Have respect for your surroundings and these working connections, whether at work or church! Don’t lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person all the time. If work requires travel, meet in public rooms not private hotel rooms, and remember there is safety in numbers.
3) Avoid Emotional Intimacy
Keep conversations general, avoiding personal topics and revealing facts about your marriage. There are difficult days in marriage where nearly everyone looks better than the spouse with whom you’re fighting over money and housework. Speak only well of your partner. Not only will others get the message that “the shop is closed,” but you will also reiterate to yourself your unwavering devotion and commitment. (Your subconscious mind is always eavesdropping on the words that come out of your mouth and believes them!)
4) Choose Supportive Systems
Use your best decision-making when it comes to creating a social circle of close friends. Choose those whom support marriage and YOUR marriage specifically. True friends would not suggest that you ever do anything to break your vows. There are certain places that married people ought not ever be without their partner; bars, dance clubs, single’s events, or even surfing on-line single ads. (yes, sad that I have to point that one out.) As a couple you may even want to choose a mentoring couple, one with whom you can both develop close ties to who can direct and educate you through the many crossroads of marriage. There will be so much advice offered; select wisely and respect fully.
5) Commit to Stay Involved (& Evolved)
Remain connected as you evolve as individuals and a couple. Keep checking the pulse of your marriage by having “State of our Union” addresses with each other. Offer compliments and inquire about your mate’s world; stay closely connected so the message becomes clear to yourselves and others that your bond is tight and no one else dare enter the premises. Recognize the message of “unavailable” or “come on in” that you portray to the world. Make your marriage the safest place on earth, again and again and again.
6) Keep Old Flames Unlit
Some current studies determined that neuronal memories in the brain become easily activated by merely revisiting past loves and memories of old flames. That sudden rush of hormones and emotions can cause one to think they “must still be love with Bobby after all these years!” Not so fast! Remember, feelings are dumb. They are only stored in our memory banks; and that’s where they should stay – in the vault! Be wise when using Facebook and My Space to connect with old friends. Invite your mate to read your e-mails, and keep your correspondence brief and broad. Do not say or do anything you wouldn’t be proud to have your spouse read or hear.
One more tip regarding the Internet: Continue to ask yourself, “If I weren’t sitting here searching for, reading about or writing old friends, what could I be doing to foster my relationship with that person sitting in the other room; the one that is here today?” Now, shut off the computer and go do it!
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