Second Marriages - Making it Work the Second Time Around
-By Dr. Liz Hale
September 21st 2009
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A second (third, fourth, or fifth) marriage differs from a first-time marriage in many ways. The good news? Both partners are often wiser and know themselves even better having gone through the refining process of divorce. The bad news? Each subsequent marriage is harder to hold together due to the additional complications of blending children and households, finances, lifestyle, and expectations, as well as managing the ghosts of relationships past. There are few things we can do AFTER marriage to compensate for choosing poorly. Here are a few suggestions:
- Time ~ There is no substitute for taking plenty of time and observing each other in a variety of situations before saying “I do…to you and you and you” (as is the case in a blended family!)
- Privacy ~ While there are many people vying for your attention, remember how essential it is to give your marriage top-billing.
- Money ~ Make a plan for sharing provisions and even have the unromantic talk about how your assets will be passed down to your children in the event of death.
- Humility ~ Discuss with one another your pasts and own the parts of the dissolved marriage that belongs to you. Resolve any unfinished business from the past.
- Plan ~ Set ground rules when dealing with the children; blood disciplines blood. “Stepparent” is not a parent but a friend.
- Behave ~ No put-downs about a child’s other parent; compromise; be kind and respectful – always!
- Laugh ~ No other time is a sense of humor more needed than in a second marriage and blended family. Lighten the burdens of your partner, and walk through the fire hand-in-hand. Welcome the drama and love it!
- Share ~ You are in this together. Turn towards not away from each other. You need your union now more than ever.
Divorce is not an option – this time!
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